The Beat Goes On

So this is what it's come down to.

Through all the wars, all the lies, all the lust and fucking. We tried talking, we tried punching bags, we tried using each other as punching bags, even eventually brought in some quack named Phil.

Yet, conflict persists. I guess it's just a part of who we are. But enough's enough!

"Your ass is mine, Ulrich!"

"You gotta catch me first, Rob!"

I watch in nostalgic amusement as friend and former lover chase each other around a dirty ring in a garage in the middle of Ohio.

Yes, Ohio. Hey, why not Ohio? Stranger things have happened in the lives of Metallica.

Kirk's playing with the patch of hair on his aesthetically upsetting chest. I'm so distracted watching him preen that I'm nearly run over my Rob. Fortunately, our bellies are more than enough of a buffer to keep enough space between us.

That doesn't mean that I'm not human. And two sweaty fat men rubbing against me is affecting me! "Hey, guys, being stuck in the middle is giving me a colossal chub."

"Shut up, Newkid!" Lars grunts as he reaches for Rob.

"Well, technically, I'm the new kid."

"Not helping, Rob." Kirk mutters in between licks to his fingers. He uses the spit to try to preen his chest fluff.

Throwing a smirk in his direction, I tease, "Is it any wonder I never return your calls, Kirk? Look what it gets me into. Kirk? Kirk?"

He's ignoring me. Lars ignores Rob to see what's with the silent treatment coming from Kirk.

There are few things as funny as Lars' gasp of horror. His hair happens to be one of those things, but I digress.

Rob speaks up first. "Man, what's wrong with his head?!?"

"Tell me about it! And what in the hell makes you think those glasses are flattering?" Lars spits his words out, disgusted.

I'm about to remind him that he has no room to talk, but just then I realize why Kirk went all mute on us. James had wandered in. None of us noticed. Man, I had heard he changed– but I didn't expect this.

James is oddly quiet. This worries me just enough to care, so I shove Lars aside and make a startling discovery. "Someone through James in the dryer!"

"Your wanna-be mullet shrunk!"

James yanks violently at the spandex of his unitard, and turns a crimson red. "Ugh, that's not the only thing that shrank..."

Kirk peers over James shoulder. Well, whole body really. "That's it. You're single."

"Fine, I didn't want to fuck you anyway, what with your new improved freak look."

So it took 5 years and gaining 759 pounds collectively to gain a little perspective, but finally here we all are. Together.

And I gotta tell you, it smells rank.

"You guys, I don't feel so good...." Rob rubbed his stomach in the most anti-enticing motion possible.

"Oh gross, Rob's got gas!" They picked this guy over me?! I turn to Lars to try to talk logic, and find the second most anti-appealing vision as he strokes his nipple with one hand and picks his nose with the other.

"Well, it's not my fault! Kirk brought bean burritos for lunch!"

"Hey, don't blame the burritos, buddy! Hey, what happened to the rest of the burritos?"

"I think James shoved them down his singlet."

A collective `ew' echoed off the thin walls.

"Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do!" Turning angrily to his burrito, James screamed, "GROW BACK!"

Then he stomped off, muttering something about this being all my fault.

The more things change....