Go to Sleep

This life I'm leaving
Was never really good enough
The dreams we had
Have never really come
We've walked together
We've talked apart

Close your eyes, rest your head,
And go to sleep
And go to sleep

My throat was aching dully from the screaming match that had recently--mercifully--ended. I had showered and changed and still the hurt twisted inside. Like a knife through my chest, just as surely as he returned, the bittersweet truth is that it meant his disappearance was on the horizon. I knew when he came back into my life, there would be only one way he would leave. There was only one way he ever left: by cutting out my heart. Through the trials by fire, through the nights drowning in booze, I had hope. I thought he held on, too. Even when we were worlds apart, our worlds collided: he was my constant, and I his. But another dusk creeps in, and I feel like the mists of decay have begun to spiral around my body.

I tried to tell you
But it's only talk I've waited and waited
Now I'm the only one
We're still together
But we're lonelier

Alone together, I have myself convinced he's the only place for me, yet my strangled screams always fell on deaf ears. I'm sure he feels the same way about all the things he's ever said to me that I just considered excuses. So then what the hell draws us back together? Misery loves company has never been so repulsively (painfully) true. He is pulling his life together.... No, he has succeeded in pulling his life together. And now my place has been expelled like any other addiction. That is not self-pity, that is bitter fact. I never worked as just his friend, and he was too destructive as my lover. But what an amazing lover he was....

Close your eyes, rest your head,
And go to sleep
And go to sleep

But I shouldn't think of that now. It's late, and we're both more weary than tired. I turn away from the window to the colder space between us. I watch hungrily as he removes his shirt, pulling it up over his head. His back muscles flex and relax. A beautiful shell for a beautiful soul.

You don't remember the
Things that you won't
You won't let people
Inside your soul
But I know, what I love you for

I'd give anything to forget the burn of his flesh, but I'd be empty without the memories.

The prode of teardrops
Too emotional
Kinder people
With a tougher love
We've run together
Now we've reached the start

I strip as I walk dutifully towards the bed we're to share. We slide in next to one another, and I can almost hear his unspoken words. He would kill to touch me, but die before he hurt me again. I lay back on the pillows, and stare up at the beautiful contradiction. For years, he was hard and his eyes were clouded. Now he struggled with a softer side, and had no chemical fog to hide behind. And he quietly insisted to fight this one without me. Perhaps he looked at being clean as a new start, and I was most defiantly a part of his past. His old life. He deserved a new bright and flawless chance, so why didn't I?

Close your eyes, rest your head,
And go to sleep
And go to sleep

I couldn't argue as his arms slid around my own toned body. He leaned down to kiss me carefully, almost reverently. I thought I saw something new flicker through those pools of light and shadow, but he adverted his eyes and snuggled into the bed next to me. He never would figure out how to mask his thoughts from me: his emotions were raw as long as I was around. Maybe that was another reason why I couldn't be a part of his dawn. Still, as his lips pressed against mine, the emotions were clear: it was a kiss good-bye. I sunk into the mattress, and felt his body adjust under the covers, and closed my eyes to the night I thought would never end. Quietness consumed our bodies, and I would gladly have melted into it, if not for that voice like sugar dipped shards of glass. A sharp intake of breath, then:
"You know when morning comes, I'll be gone already."
"I know."

I thought it was sweet that he wanted to warn me anyway. But I knew. The very thought of another day without him--the first of many, the possible beginning of all the rest of the days of my life--made my chest feel tight and my hands clammy, but I couldn't ignore it. I would open my eyes, dreamily remember the unreal night before, and awaken to the realization that it was real and now it was gone. I would struggle through my day moment by moment, but never able to deny the one truth that made it almost worth it to suffer for this man:
"I love you, Lars...."
"Ich liebe dich auch, James."

So close your eyes, rest your head, and go to sleep.....