For the First Time

"I have a lover
A lover like no other
He got soul, soul, soul, sweet soul
And he teach me how to sing"

I guess it's kinda ironic. We're both so quiet or that's what people think. They look at us, and make up their minds. I know this because I've always experienced it. I know it's true for him because I know what he's been through. I never thought I'd ever want to protect someone. I mean, I'm on the smaller side and I look damn good. I know how to work it, you know? I can pull off damsel in distress better than most of the too-pushy groupies I'm assaulted by. And I've always used it to my advantage: men are so easy to wrap around your little finger if you bat your eyes and play your cards right.

Manipulation was a game. Men were my toys. Until I met Jeff. He used to play the game, was a master, really I probably could have learned a thing or two from him. Well, the old him. But things change. Even I can change. It took him challenging me though. I didn't even know that's what it was at the time. He probed deeper than I cared for at first and I hated him for it. In the end though, he helped me uncover something I hadn't known was missing.

Jeff found my voice for me, and gave it back to me. I found myself speaking up, sharing my thoughts and ideas telling my bandmates how I actually felt about things. They were a little shocked at first. Especially Eicca I think he had gotten just a little too attached to his pretty little toy. Jeff cleared away the cobwebs of silence just for me. Just because he could see the things that other people couldn't. Just because he could understand.

"Shows me colours when there's none to see
Gives me hope when I can't believe
That for the first time
I feel love"

Lost in my thoughts, I still notice when Jeff stirs. He sleeps so well these days, but I still get worried when he's restless. It wasn't so many weeks ago that he couldn't sleep the night with me in the room. Even through the wall I could hear him scream away his night terrors. But now, with the early Amsterdam sun streaking through our window, he's just getting more comfortable. I love that a part of 'more comfortable' means snuggling closer to me. I brush a piece of aqua-marine hair off his forehead, again kind of taken back by the near role reversal. But I love being here. We were talking one day, and I mentioned that despite touring I had never come to this part of Holland. He insisted that I must see it, and we bought plane tickets that weekend

I'm not sure if I'm enjoying it because of the freedom or because of my tour guide. I won't examine that too closely though. In truth, there are so many other things to focus on in my life now.

I'm in love for the first time. Well, the first time since I was 7 and found that stray mutt and hid him from my parents for 4 weeks in the summer just to make sure the poor thing got food and water. Once my mom noticed I was actually eating my veggies though, the gig was up. Poor Patches. I wonder where's he got to now?

I have a thing for run-aways, I guess. I get them, and they get me. I just don't always (ok, ever) want to admit that they know me. I tried to push Jeff away, I'm sorry to say.

"I have a brother
When I'm a brother in need
I spend my whole time running
He spends his running after me"

As fond of him as I am now, as happy as I am at this moment I nearly fucked it all up. Tried to push him away, tried to hurt him. I'd pick fights with him just to see how much shit he'd let me get away with. I never knew until much later that he had an ex that dished it out worse than I could imagine.

I asked him one time why he wasn't back in wrestling. He tried to change the subject. Of course, I had done that enough with Eicca to know that old trick. So I persisted and he got angry. Actually angry. Vittu, I never want to see those sweet country features get all tight and red like that again. His eyes squinted up, he studied me but protected the window so that I couldn't read him, not really.

Then he did the most surprising thing. He opened up to me. Told me about this guy, Triple H. Real asshole the way I see it. Had the most amazing soul in the world to call his lover, and fucked everything right to hell. Of course, Jeff being the forgiving guy he is even defending HHH. I'm telling you, I adore Jeff, but sometimes I think he's deranged. I mean, who jumps off of 18 foot ladders and takes up for an abusive prick? And before you say anything, I don't want to hear a damn word about the shit I let Eicca put me through. This isn't about me.

Jeff would go on about how much pressure Paul (the guy's real name apparently) was under and how he didn't mean to be the way he was. The thing is, Jeff walked away from his livelihood to get away from this guy. Paul had hurt him worse than any swan dive off a high point could.

So, yeah, I want to hurt this guy. But that would hurt Jeff. And maybe some good came out of it. See, once Jeff opened up to me about that, I guess I started to trust him. That's also when we started sleeping in the same room.

"When I feel myself going down
I just call and he comes around
But for the first time I feel love"

Sleeping in the same room as the man you're madly in lust with? Let me just say, it doesn't suck not on the worst day. We had fooled around before, but our relationship started getting hot when we crawled into the same bed for the night. I woke up in the middle of the night in exquisite arousal. The lump under the covers and the warmth and wet around my cock clued me into what was going on. Jeff's mouth is an unbelievable creation. Swirling around me, sucking me hard, pulling back to nip at my thighs. Then he made me lose myself in him he swallowed me down and I came harder than I ever had before that night. I screamed out his name, and I swear to god, I saw stars.

Jeff crawled up my body, smiling like the cat that ate the mouse. Quite pleased with himself, let me tell you and I don't blame him. When those grey-green eyes studied my face, I had to smile back, kiss my taste off his lips. I think that's the moment I realized I was in love with him.

"My father is a rich man
He wears a rich man's cloak
Gave me the keys to his kingdom coming
Gave me a cup of gold"

So I did what any kid in love would do I took Jeff to meet my folks. Of course, it's a little different for us. I had to introduce him as a friend. After dinner but before dessert, my mother pulled me aside. She actually asked me if my friend was `a little bit funny' and made sure I knew that she wouldn't mind, but that we would have to hide it from my father.

I went along with it, just the same. Jeff made one hell of an impression on my folks he can really turn on that old country boy charm kinda thing. Not that this surprised me at all.

He didn't challenge me or a pick a fight with me about coming out to my folks either. This really meant the world to me, and I can't entirely explain why. It's like, my closest friends know and I don't really have any friends that aren't in that small circle of `closest'. I remember how nervous I was talking to my best friend from home. I finally spit it out, kinda asking that if I introduced him to a guy and made it clear that he was kinda _my_ guy, what would his reaction be?

Well, he laughed and said "I can't believe you ever have to ask." Basically it was as long as I'm happy, he's happy. I appreciated it more because this guy knows me he knows that I'm true to myself and he doesn't call me on the lies. And I lie to my parents. If they knew I liked guys, they'd be heartbroken. Well, my mom would. My dad would be furious. My mom would feel like I was rebelling and just trying to hurt them.

"He said I have many mansions
And there are many rooms to see
But I left by the back door
And I threw away the key"

My dad, on the other hand, always wanted me to be just like him. He was ecstatic when I took up cello. Many people think he's jealous that I excelled, but truth be told that wasn't it. He was very, very proud, but worried. My father is a controlling man, and once he saw that I was not taking the path that he deemed as proper in my career, he became disappointed. All I've ever wanted was for my parents to be proud of me. I feel like I put my life on hold so many times chasing down their dreams.

And it never got me anywhere.

I felt judged and lonely. The more I tried to reach out, the more I was isolated. I did the things that they told me to do, and I found myself in a little box being looked at, but never touched. Just stared at and prodded, like an animal.

It got to the point where I wanted to die. But I never felt judged with Jeff, and I've never felt more alive.

"And I threw away the key"

So, I managed to break out of the box. Not that I did a great job of it the pendulum swung the other way and hard. It wasn't easy hiding from my parents what a whore I was. Sorry, `was acting like'. That's one of the first things Jeff helped me realize the sex starved attention starved temper tantrum throwing ego maniac is not my true self. It's what I did to prove I could be in control. He helped me find real control, and the only reason he could show me the path is because he had searched it out himself.

"Yeah, I threw away the key
Yeah, I threw away the key"

So I'll never be everything my parents want me to be, but that's ok. Because I think I already am everything that Jeff needs. I still love them and don't want to hurt them. But I don't want to be caged up and protected.

I want to protect, and I want to live in my own skin.

"For the first time
For the first time
For the first time"

So that's why I'm here. In a strange new city, with the strangest and most wonderful man. Who's slowly waking up. Like a new day dawning. Jeff smiles up at me and yawns.

Then, in that slow, sweet, southern draw, "Hey, Babe what cha doin'?"

"Just waiting for you to wake up."

I lean down to kiss him. His lips are always soft, even first thing in the morning. I want to taste him forever.

I think in some ways he saved my life. I had gotten so low so isolated, convinced I was the only one feeling the things I was putting myself through. I don't know how he found me, but I'm so lucky he did. I'm so grateful he didn't quit, even at the points when anyone else would have the points when everyone else did in the past.

He's studying me now, with a look of curiosity. He'll never question or challenge unless it's a last resort. That's just one more thing that he does for me that no one ever had before respects my space, and better yet, cares for my mind.

I have a mind. It's a pretty cool thing to use. And I have a lover like no other. I can't help but smile at him, and the worry starts to melt away. Our mouths meet again, while the rest of the world wakes up beyond the window in the world outside.

I can't wait to see what the day holds for us.

"I feel love"