All My Bassists

Scene 1: Starlet's bedroom. James is making a pile of all of Starlet's candles on the far side of the room. Kirk is admiring himself in the mirror. Starlet is laying on her bed pouting.

Starlet: *sigh*

(James and Kirk ignor her)

Starlet: *ahem* SIGH!

(James rolls his eyes)

Starlet: No body loves me.

Kirk: Oh, boy....

James: Ugh! Fine, what's the matter?

Starlet: No one read {insert title here}

James: So?

Starlet: So... I wrote it.

Kirk: (still looking in the mirror, now turned around and looking over his shoulder) Hmm.

James: So?

Starlet: So... so, James, do something!

(Kirk lifts his right butt cheek and then drops it; studies it in the mirror)

James: What would you like me to do?

Starlet: I don't know! Do your thing! Visit them and growl and stuff.

(Kirk lifts his left butt cheek and then drops it; studies this effect)

James: I don't do that so much. I'm a kindler, gentl--

Starlet: Not on my time!

Kirk: Hmm....

James: You just want something to bitch about. Forget it. I got better things to do then visit 50 sibs.

(starts to rearrange her Han Solos, which drives Starlet nuts)

Starlet: Leave them al-- oh, screw it. Kirk?

Kirk: Hmm?

Starlet: Kirk, do--

Kirk: Do you think my butt is spankable?

Starlet: WHAT?

Kirk: (continues to fondle himself) Seriously. Do you think my butt is spankable? Maybe I should get butt implants.

James: Maybe you should get-- hey!

(Kirk yanks James around and spanks him--hard)

Kirk: See? Totally spankable. I gotta admit, I'm having doubts about how spankable I am.

(Kirk sits on the Papasan and starts to pout)

Starlet: Honestly, you guys! Don't you care??? I mean, it *is* a story about you two.

(Kirk and James shrug)

Kirk: Yeah, not so much....

James: There's a ton of fics about us. So, who cares?

Kirk: Dime a dozen. Just like guys with nice asses.

James: Jesus Christ, your ass is fine! Would you shut up about your ass?

Kirk: If you tell me it's spankable.

James: Fucking hell. It's spankable, you little queer. Now shut up. I'm busy.

(James starts putting Starlet’'s books OUT of alphabetically order; Kirk is mumbling and gloating about being spankable)

James: Of course, not as spankable as Lars... or Jase. Or even Rob. But still, spankable....

(James chuckles, Kirk throws a hissy fit, and Starlet throws her hands in the air and heads for the door)

Starlet: Fine. Looks like I'll have to call in the big guns for this one.

(fade out)

Scene 2: We think it's a forrest... but it's really Starlet's backyard. She is talking to two shadowing forms. It's dark so we can't see their faces, but we can hear their annoying high pitched voices and see their blonde hair shining dully in the moonlight.

Starlet: So, you understand what needs to be done?

Strawberry Blonde: Yeah, yeah. Bossy bitch. Think we don't know what we're doing?

Starlet: Are you asking if I think you're capable? Cos--

Bo-Derek Blonde: Heeeeeeeeeeyyyyy, we can handle this! Why don't you just go into the kitchen and cook us up some--

Starlet: DON'T finish that sentence. I'm begging you.

Bo-Derek Blonde: Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaah, begging! That's more like it.

Starlet: *sigh* Will you just piss off and do your jobs already? I mean, I know what a stretch it is to expect either of you to work, but... could you go? Now?

Strawberry Blonde: Alright, alright... but you know we might have to get HIM involved, right?

Starlet: Right... but only as a last resort.

Blondes: *snicker* Right, only as a LAST resort....

Scene 3: It's dark in the Chophouse and Jason has passed out working on side project #486 Suddenly, a window breaks, and Jason jerks his head up. Then the unlocked door swings open and a lithe figure slithers in.

Jason: What the fuck did you break my window for?

Bo-Derek Blonde: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy, I don't have to answer to you! I'm a rebel!

Jason: Uhm, sure.

(Jason turns away and the Bo-Derek Blonde steps out into the light: OH MY GOD, it's Axl Rose! He ties his bandana around Jason's mouth, gagging him, and then uses guitar cords to tie his hands and feet. *Somehow* he drags him to the car waiting outside....)

Scene 4: Rob Trujillo is relaxing on the beach after a long day of surfing. Strawberry Blonde sneaks up behind him, and with all the grace and artistry as is evident in his recordings, conks Rob on the head with a rock.

Dave Mustaine: Take that, True-jello! Haha, True Jello! Get it? Hello?

(Dave nudges Rob with his foot)

Dave: Oh, oh yeah... I just knocked you out. Ok, then... here we go....

(Dave drags Rob to his truck, tosses him on the flatbed, and drives off)

Scene 5: Hours later, but what feels like moments thanks to the fun of editing, we find Jason and Rob bound in some dank basement. Jason is still gagged. As they come to, Axl and Dave are asking one another if Tallica will "ever get a bassist that isn't evil or just a dork?" When Rob and Jason open their eyes, Axl nudges Dave, then heads out. Dave moves across the room theatrically.

Dave: MMmmmm, what have we here? Why lookie, lookie... a whole table of lunch meat and cheese and... mayo!

Jase: (gagged) MMmmphnnn!!!!

Dave: Axl, come in here!!!

(Axl enters carrying a basket of bread)

Axl: Oooh! Ham! I hope it's cubed!

Rob: So it can fit down your skinny little neck?

Axl: That's it! You've been hanging around James too much! Well, you'll never see your precious James again! I'm going to gag you, too!

Dave: And as for you, Newstead! Would you like a sandwich?

(Jase nods his head furiously)

Dave: TOO BAD!!! MWAUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Nararator: Oh no! What can this mean for our bas--

Dave: Hey, where the fuck did you come from? Axl, you trying to replace me?

Nararator: No, no-- this is my job! I just have to wrap up the--

Jason: (getting his mouth free from the gag) Wraps? I could go for a wrap. Those are like sandwiches, right?

Dave & Axl: Shut up!

Nararator: Will the bassists ever get free? Will the wimpy blondes bring in HIM? Will-- OW!!!

(Nararator hits the floor after Dave punches him)

Dave: Who you calling a wimp?

Axl: I'll finish! I'll finish! I *should* be in the spotlight after all! *ahem* "Who is the secret weapon the dashing and devious men were referring to? And why is Starlet writing this at all? Tune in next time to All My Bassists! ... Unless of course, Starlet has something better to do.

Jason: The way she procrastnates? Not likely.

Dave: Can we gag him again?

(fade to black)